hello and goodbye...

well, i'm back from winchester. i know... from having heard it... that some of you think that is about the worst place to spend a weekend. but you're wrong! lol... it was great... living in topeka, i don't get to see many stars due to the lights, but there i can see like 4 times as many, and when you're in the middle of a field talking to people and sitting on a car, it's really actually a lot of fun. for those of you that think my friends up there are actually non-existent with the exception of jordie- you're wrong... they call me a whole lot more than you do, which is sad and great at the same time lol.
busy weekend: i went to a youth retreat up there and slept in a car because we were too lazy to set up the tent in that sweltering heat (yeah it really was) and we even made a bonfire (yeah crazy, i know, but it's really just the tradition and the atmosphere of the thing that counts) and then i had church out there with the whole area of that denomination in the morning... i didn't pay much attention due to watching matt copeland make me a grass bracelet (which unfortunately fell off of my arm some 25 minutes or so after i got it) and trying to keep alex and james dean (i didn't know he worked at Taco Bell!) and my aunt awake, but other than that it was okay. then (funniest thing i've seen all summer... no joke) alex, matt, james, and todd kept us all entertained (and crying from laughing so hard) by trying to shoot water-balloons using a slingshot (ya know... the kind we use at our HS retreats?)... of course, they figured they knew how to do it... but james kept on getting sprayed in the face while he was filling them up and they never launched them right and they blew up all over them in the process (so all four of them ended up looking like they'd had a huge accident before the afternoon was over!) then back to topeka to finish off my senior pictures (it makes me kinda sad cause everyone else looks so cute in theirs... then there's me) which went relatively well despite the fact that it was still really hot out.
tomorrow i will be leaving for maine until the 10th... hmmm... that's a long time... however i'll see if i can keep in touch with some of you (or you can give the cell a ring at those times when you so desperately need me lol) so that should be fun i guess, cause my cousin's maybe gonna bring his fimaly up there too for the 4th and we're touring colleges to get that out of the way and we're just gonna relax (they say that... but yeah right! lol) so i guess it'll be fun. some of you i haven't seen for a very long time- we'll have to do something when i get home. anyways, i'll miss you all. jesus loves you! (i prolly do too!) don't get into too much trouble while i'm not here to get you into it! lol... stay classy t-town! (sorry if you don't get that!)

somebody...

can i be your somebody?
can i be your dream come true?
won't you let me be the one
that makes life real for you?

can we share those moonlit nights
and wish upon a shooting star?
i'm one step closer to heaven
when i know i'm where you are.

can you just give me a chance
to try and win your heart?
it may not be my final goal
but at least it'd be a start.

can you tell me all your thoughts,
your dreams, and your regrets-
the things that you have learned from
and those friends you won't forget?

can i be one of those dreams?
will you let me in?
will you let me take you places
that i know you've never been?

can you come and be the one
to sweep me off my feet
and find a way to make these spats
and fond emotions meet?

will you be my dream come true?
will you make my life real?
will i ever find a way
to tell you how i feel?

will i be your somebody?...

friends for a while...

i find it weird that your group of really close friends can change so quickly... that struck me when i was talking to Brittany tonight... it's like... just two years ago i was really good friends with people i barely even know now... and i've made friends and lost them since then... i guess it's not that weird- just kinda, i dunno, interesting that people can change so much in so little time...
i have been doing everything at work and practically nothing at summer sizzle this week... which is kinda depressing if you think about it (but don't lol)... i think this is like only the second time i haven't been to like the whole thing... oh well... life goes on perfectly well without being around some people every day...
this girl i babysit for is really demanding... how i can let a 5-yr-old girl tell me what we're gonna do is beyond me... maybe i'm just too passive... i think that's a problem sometimes... especially when it's a kid like this... i guess i'll just have to step up and show her who's boss! lol
other than that nothing much interesting is going on in my life... well... nothing i'm free to blog about that is. haha! anyways... peace, love, and crabs! (i seriously hope some of you get that so i don't feel completely stupid... well... more than normal anyways...)

shells... not the kind you get from the beach...

so... this entry may turn into a discussion... at any rate i'd like feedback from everyone i guess... so the other day i was arguing with someone over whether "shells" were good or not... now obviously the kind that you pick up off those beautiful beaches on the coast while you watch the sunset- sorry... those are good...
but i'm talking about the "shells" that people create for themselves... those images that we all project for everyone but our very close friends... and sometimes even for them... the you that everyone sees is so often different from the real you...
now some people would argue that it's good a lot... because you project an image that everyone else sees in a way that will eventually bring you greater self-confidence (if that makes sense) and because it gives you "strength"...
i guess i'd argue that it really doesn't... i think shells can make you forget who you really are... when you strip away everything people expect of you (or even what you've come to expect of you) and really get down to your core self... i think it can make you really forget the true you by convincing yourself that you really are the way everyone expects you to be... anyways... i'm not done but i've gotta go make dinner for company tonight...

here we are...

well, here we are.
simple proof that life is definitely not fair.
one more heart broken,
one more dream shattered,
and one more life left behind.
i guess we should have known...

now there's nothing left to do
but sit and wonder where it all went wrong.
i know it did,
i just can't remember when.
actually i can hardly even remember why,
but that doesn't matter now...

when did the thing we wanted so badly to have
become the thing i almost wish i'd never had?
when did you walk away
and leave me so confused?
i'll never really understand.
maybe it's better that way...

you were once my solid hope;
a hug in place of all my tears
and gentle arms to help me make it through.
you used to be my strength.
i can remember how that felt-
having someone there to trust and run to...

you used to say you'd never leave.
i guess i'm the one to blame
for expecting you to always be there
just like you used to be.
well i've learned my lesson-
don't believe everything you hear...

so now what do i have to show
for the part of me i gave to you?
experienced judgement, memories,
and a story to tell are fine, i guess;
but there's also the pain and hurt,
and my fear of future love...

when you left it really wasn't
the outlet and hugs that i missed;
at least not as much
as i missed feeling loved- like i mattered
and like i'd always have someone to talk to;
someone to somehow take it all away...

now i just miss my friend.
i miss the closeness and the trust,
the laughter and the good times.
when did that slip through my fingers?
when did we grow so far apart?
so here we are...